Planeswalker Duels
by Wonktastic
Summary: Across the multiverse, planeswalkers engage in epic duels deciding the fate of trillions. They wield powerful magics capable of destroying entire planes and creating new life. It's just too bad these planeswalkers are the multiverse's biggest trolls.
1. Turbo Fog

He didn't know why they were fighting.

As he ducked yet another fireball, he couldn't help but wonder what exactly caused this shit to even happen. He was taking an innocent stroll through the city streets of Ravnica, not really doing anything in particular, when all of a sudden, this one random dude comes out and literally throws a goblin at him. All he wanted to do was to relax, take in the sights, walk through the bazaar, something other than the endless piles of paperwork that came with living in Ravnica.

He had dodged the goblin of course, but why anyone would think about throwing a random _goblin_ at anyone else was truly beyond him.

Naturally, being a planeswalker, he feared for the worst. What if this were a kidnapping? And this were an agent from gods know which agency that was bent on Multiuniversal domination? And they needed his skills? He instinctively drew upon the powers of the Ravnican guildgates, feeling the mana from the massive gates surge through him.

It took a second for him to realize that goblin chucker was also a planeswalker. Fiery magic poured at his hands, powered by great spires of stone. Fire formed near his hands as he prepared more summoning magic, this time creating a larger goblin, one more muscular, and definitely more angry.

_Goblin man clearly doesn't like me._

And so, he channeled the power of the guildgates, creating a large fog from the air around them and slipping away. He would need time to prepare for one massive cataclysmic spell. After all, it was the only combat magic he knew. If this were any other mage, he would have just ran away, and he probably could have gotten away with it. But this goblin chucker was a planeswalker, and he knew that planeswalkers were very _very _determined people.

Of course, the fog didn't hold goblin man for very long, and by the time goblin man had caught up to him, he had already summoned more goblins, and quite a few more at that. There were dozens of random generic goblins running around now, armed with shitty pieces of metal for weapons, and covered with shitty pieces of sheet metal.

What was more terrifying was the fact that Krenko, Mob Boss of the Ravnican Goblin Mafia was by goblin dude's side, taking orders. And that Krenko had spotted him and had ordered his entire goblin army to charge.

_Oh, that's not good. _

Channeling magic again, he called forth his own summoning magic, this time bringing forth the great warriors of Theros. The spearmen hailed his call, forming a massive phalanx along the city streets, jamming the goblins in and forcing them back. This gave him just enough time to escape, and channel more power. He needed more power for this particular spell.

Eventually, he found a nice secluded grove near the Selesnya part of town. Sighing contently, he sat down and started to meditate, feeling power course through his body. It still wasn't enough though, not nearly enough. He needed power from each of the guilds, from the grim, dark depths of the Cult of Rakdos to the ridiculous ingenuity of the Izzet League.

He had just started to find his rhythm when he heard the clanking of a goblin army approach him. Like a thundering herd of farm animals, they charged wildly and uncontrollably through the streets, knocking down stands, trampling people, and generally destroying things.

Sighing, he called upon some of his most powerful magic, contacting Isperia and asking for assistance. Almost hilariously, Isperia responded, descending down upon the goblin army and giving each of them a stern scolding before leaving. Riot control at its finest.

And once again, the goblin army couldn't find the evasive bastard.

This cycle repeated. Many times, in fact. He would get found, use magic to drop fog or some other sort of massive disturbance around the ever growing goblin army, slip away to channel more power, get found again only to drop more fog around the goblins…

Basically, the whole thing got old really quickly. Especially when it took an entire day of running around.

Another fog descended from nowhere, shrouding the city streets once more. The three thousand goblins slowed, eyeing the fog. They proceeded cautiously, slowly and steadily. They were smart, or at least, they were experienced, and they knew that any enemy could be hidden in the fog. They poked and prodded, checking every nook and cranny that the fog shrouded, making sure that they were the only ones on the city streets.

Finally, the fog lifted, leaving the three thousand goblins confused. Again, the fucker had disappeared, leaving nothing behind.

Demoralized, confused, tired, and hungry, the goblins once again sat down. At this point, they really couldn't care anymore. They were promised violence and blood and more violence! And all they had found were fogs upon fogs upon fogs. Some of the goblins took out playing cards. At least it was better than sprinting after one random person.

Krenko couldn't believe it. His entire army of three thousand, _three thousand! _was forced to sit on the city streets because of the most ridiculous events. Four massive fog banks had rolled in, whether by some seriously shitty weather coincidence, or by magic, he couldn't tell. Three armies of phalanx soldiers had blocked his advance. Three times, and Krenko couldn't believe this the most, three times, the leader of the Azorius Senate had personally come by and forced his goblin army away. A few times, some random Selesnya hippies had trapped him by growing tree groves along the streets and alleyways.

By now, even he was getting tired of this bullshit. He looked at the planeswalker who had summoned him with an evil eye. The only thing he got in return was a frustrated sigh.

That was when they heard the rumbling. The earth shook and quaked and the clouds above parted to reveal a swirling tornado of light. It descended onto the earth, crushing and destroying everything that it touched. The already miserable goblins just stared at it with a look of defeat on their faces. The goblins were so fed up with everything they had gone through that they really didn't care anymore if their lives were about to end. And after a few seconds of chaotic destruction, all the goblins had been evaporated by the tornado of light.

As for the planeswalker, he just shrugged, walked into a different plane, waited about five minutes and then walked back into Ravnica. Sighing, he drew upon his power and called for Krenko once again. How he managed to bring the Mob Boss back from the dead was a question not even he had the answer to, but apparently, there were just a few copies of Krenko lying around or something.

That was when he decided to look upwards toward the spires of Ravnica that surrounded him and saw that his prey was nearing the top of the tallest one.

"LOOK AT ALL THESE LAAAAAANNNNDDDSSS!" his prey screamed to the heavens, cackling maniacally as he reached the very end of the Maze, touching the great stone that it housed. Power coursed through the stone and into his veins, granting him the great power of the ten guilds of Ravnica. Fire swirled through the sky, lightning crackled, rain poured, the wind howled, and a new god king of a plane was born.

* * *

"Go fuck yourself."

"Yep."

"I can't believe that fucking works. It's just nothing but fucking Fogs! And Maze's Ends!"

"Yep."

"I hate you so much right now."

"Yep."


	2. A Friendly, Chaotic Game of EDH

Note: none of this lore is actually right. Well, some of it is, but still. A lot of it is really, really wrong. Like Jhoira being a little scrub lady.

* * *

It was a brawl for the ages.

In one corner, it was Narset, the Enlightened Master, master of the Jeskai Way, and Khan of Tarkir. In another, Animar, the Soul of Elements, master of life, and breeder of creation. In the third, Roon of the Hidden Realm, a great guardian and prophet to eternal glory. In the last, was Jhoira.

No one was really sure why Jhoira was there.

After all, Narset was a master sage and martial artist with the ability to predict the future and the power of an entire clan at her beck and call. Animar was the ultimate source of life on its plane. Roon was a prophet with _mastery of time and space_. Jhoira was just Jhoira.

Sure, she was a powerful wizard, but Narset was a powerful goddamn kung-fu wizard.

Sure, Jhoira had experimented with life before, after all what artificer hadn't? But Animar could literally poop life from its butthole.

Sure, Jhoira could do some simple time magic, but Roon could stop, rewind, and fast forward time. Not to mention, he could teleport.

Who'd ever seen a giant rhino armed to the teeth _teleport_?

So when the four of them gathered on the plane to do battle, no one expected Jhoira to be such a pain in the ass. In fact, they totally disregarded her.

Narset was busy doing kung-fu things to Roon. Limbs flew everywhere, sometimes literally, as Narset summoned her powerful magics and her dozens of super powerful swords to fight with her. As each blow landed, Roon's life drained, his skin burnt, and random wolves came out of nowhere to fight for Narset.

Roon was busy doing space time things with his army against Animar. For each blow that Narset landed against him, Roon just shrugged a little, and continued flickering his army. His friend, Brago the Eternal King, helped him. Thousands of creatures flickered from existence, only to come back moments later, bringing in more of their friends. For each creature that entered, that creature's magic activated again, filling the plane with all sorts of powerful effects. And each of those effects were aimed at Animar. Soon, the hulking titan of life had thousands of beasts running at it, intent on ripping off at least a foot.

While Roon was flickering an army, Animar was chilling in a corner, literally vomiting out life. Creatures fell from its mouth, intent on fighting its enemies. From its body dripped a powerful liquid. Once its allies touched this mystery liquid, they grew stronger and stronger. Roon was convinced that it was some sort of anabolic steroid and that Animar did, indeed, lift.

While all of that was happening, Jhoira was chilling in a corner. Occasionally, she would use her primitive time magic to throw something into the folds of space and time. Mostly, she just sat around. One time, she drew a buddy from Ravnica, a Guttersnipe, and high five'd it. It died almost immediately afterwards. Something along the lines of getting eaten by a giant wurm.

So when Jhoira started cackling, everyone else just stared at her for a second.

"It begins!" she screamed hysterically.

The other three turned to each other and shrugged. No one really cared. Then they started to murder each other again.

Jhoira just continued to cackle violently.

Roon was the first to notice. He had tried to summon the great power of the Blue Sun from Mirrodin, only to fail. And accidently blow up a tree. Which turned into a random beast thing. He was confused. What was weirder was that all of a sudden, everyone else blew up a random patch of land. Which also morphed into random beast things.

Roon just blinked a few times, and shrugged.

Animar noticed next. "What the fuck," it rumbled.

Animar had wanted to use his immense power to draw upon a great Eldrazi, only to fail horribly, and shoot forward random counter magic. What was even more curious was that the same counter magic was then used by everyone else. And then everyone got to draw on that same immense super summoning magic.

And then everyone started blowing up patches of land and turning them into beasts.

And then everyone started to draw great power from Mirrodin's Blue Sun. That one failed though. No one was really sure why.

Narset sat around confused. Then, hesitantly, she too tried to use her magic. Perhaps she was too ambitious. She tried to be like Jhoira and Roon and stretch the reality of time itself. She failed. Miserably. Instead, a massive blast of fire came from the heavens, scorching a random goat that was on Jhoira's side of the field.

No one was quite sure why Jhoira had those goats either.

Then, of course, everyone blasted things with heaven fire. Randomly.

And everyone tried to stretch time. Time became really really really slow.

Then, there was the random counter magic.

And the summoning magic.

And who could forget the random land explosions that morphed into beasts?

No one cared about Mirrodin's sun. But it happened. It just fizzeled from existence once it came.

Finally, came Jhoira again. This time, hefting a massive celestial hammer.

"Ya'll mothafuckas gonna learn today," she said. From a massive rift in time and space came a Goblin Test Pilot, the magic for the Rite of Replication, and a Dualcaster Mage.

Somehow, for some inexplicable reason, the stars aligned. The randomness effecting everyone's magic suddenly decided that it wasn't going to mess with Jhoira, and let her do her thing.

The magic for the Rite of Replication hit the Goblin Test Pilot. The Dualcaster Mage was disoriented and fired off his copying magic hitting the Rite. The Rite exploded, hitting the Dualcaster Mage, making a copy of him. Whom was also disoriented, firing off copying magic at another Rite. Which fired back into the Dualcaster Mage clone.

...

This cycle continued for awhile.

When the chaos was over, lo and behold, there was an army of Goblin Test Pilots as far as the eye could see. And each of them was pissed.

They fired off their little jetpack things and zoomed everywhere in random directions, swirling and crashing and generally making really big booms.

No one was quite sure what happened next.

* * *

"Are you serious."

"Do you want to go? Of course I'm serious."

"We don't have nearly enough dice for this."

"Dude, why would you make over a trillion Goblin Test Pilots? I don't understand."

"Why wouldn't you just _swing?_"

"I will willing roll over a trillion dice to see who wins this game."

"You know you could, you know,_ kill yourself_."

"... Worth."

* * *

This is the story of the game where I managed to suspend an Eye of the Storm, a Hivemind, a Possibility Storm, and a Grip of Chaos in the same turn. Sort of. It actually involved all of us decking out at the same time, which was kind of the greatest thing ever.


	3. Turbo Fog Part II

The two planeswalkers met again. They were rivals, to say the least. They had met time and time again, wielding progressively powerful magics. Ine was a man, wiry and thin, covered from head to toe in a massive shawl. The other was a goblin, short and squat, but with a cunning and ruthless look in its eye. Each battle was different, but each battle was devastating. Flames crackled at the goblin walker's fingertips, and from the other, water from one hand, and roots from the other.

With a mighty howl, magma exploded from goblin's fingertips, and once it hit the ground, it molded shape until it too became a goblin.

The human just shifted his stance, and pulled more power from the earth.

Another goblin joined the fray, and the two summoned goblins rushed forward, eager for blood.

The human responded, and a company of Theros's finest soldiers came to his aid, blocking-

* * *

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

"What?"

"ARE YOU SERIOUSLY PLAYING TURBO FOG AGAIN?"

"What? I don't see a problem wi-"

"I scoop. I don't even care."

"Wait, hang on! You forgot your stuff!"

* * *

TURBO FOG IS BACK IN STANDARD?!

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M PLAYING NOW.

But seriously, I built the deck and played a friend, and that was his exact reaction. He's still a bit bitter from Maze's End Turbo Fog all those months ago...


End file.
